this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: