“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
(Gaming support cat.)
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
WTF
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes