This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
🤔😂😂
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Fight
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream