This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
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.
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Biden: Okay.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.