This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.