This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A game married people play.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”