This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time