This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.