This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit