@McNevich: Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?

@Awk0Tacoo: Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@FloodyHippie: As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb

@legreece: My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.