I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
this is the best interaction on twitter
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.