@beingtheo: This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn't sleep with him.
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@KPsych29: My eyes physically can't roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.
@theshamingofjay: Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably
@XplodingUnicorn: Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.