I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
#polloftheday
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over