@duplicitron: This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
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@jonnysun: JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok
@AndrewNadeau0: No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I've just been taping animals to my face.
@JermHimselfish: I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.