you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My teenage children choosing violence
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.