“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.