“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one