Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Vodka burrito was a success
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
…..pretty much.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Baller is short for ballerina