“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.