#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.