“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion