This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.