This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m being attacked 😭
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*