This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”