This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
💁🏻♂️
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage