@bornmiserable: "This race is over," said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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@curlycomedy: If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what's weird about it.
@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: There's a spider on the carpet! Me: Haha, that's just a piece of fuzz. *fuzz moves* Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!