This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Never ghost your hitman.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me too 😆
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?