This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
This is always good for a laugh.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.