@HatfieldAnne: This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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@TVsCarlKinsella: FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous. SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.
@dafloydsta: ME: I assume you don't want your dog to see this? *slides over pic of him with another dog* JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
@Social_Mime: Wife - We're invited to a gender reveal party. Me - I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman. W - It's for a baby Me - Ralph is pregnant?
@AristotlesNZ: Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too? Her: No I in team Me: Isn't 1 in diet either. Her: Yes there.. Me: I'm too hungry for your mindgames!