This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don鈥檛 have anything sensible to say.
She鈥檚 obviously a newbie.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
PER MY LAST EMAIL
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
? 馃拃
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When my first baby was born, we didn鈥檛 have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Meow
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most