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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.