@vexroid: This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
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@Pulse_NYC: So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@sixfootcandy: Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job.
@SortaBad: Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
@TheTennisPhenom: hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?