Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
You Might Also Like
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten