@Cheeseboy22: This salad is delicious, probably because it's a donut.
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@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
@Cheeseboy22: Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I'd be upset, but I've been too busy licking off the bricks.
@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
@Fred_Delicious: [Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]