This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour