This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.