This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table đ
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people donât spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Iâm just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautĂŠed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Pilot: Thereâs a looseâŚ
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets havâŚ
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatiguâŚ
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missiâŚ
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failuâŚ
E: Tape.
P: ThâŚ
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldnât text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising â his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Meme Monday.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
A bear went into a bar.
âIâd like a whiskey…….
and coke.â
Bartender asks âwhy the long pause?â
Bear says âoh, I was born with themâ.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My favorite pirate song is âAye of the Tigerâ
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didnât really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you