I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks