@Snarfernini: This salad tastes like I'm about done with my New Year's Resolution.
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@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
@AddTequila: My son: "Dad what's a douche bag?" Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?....
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar