Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery