“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dead sexy!!
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Dishonest mechanic?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…