This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.