This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Meow?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.