@behindyourback: This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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@Xoolun: My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday. Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn't what she had in mind.
@jus4golf: How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
@lisaxy424: Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
@AbrasiveGhost: WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]