This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You Might Also Like
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.