Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce