Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Stop making fast and furious movies.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old