“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock