This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.