@PanettaSexyTime: This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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@thatUPSdude: Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin? Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.
@TimfromDa70s: I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I'm gonna work at your store for free, I'm picking my own position.
@WheelTod: [Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon] Her: You looked different in your profile picture. Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
@ficklenuts: Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love. Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money. Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.