This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense