@PanettaSexyTime: This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: 80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
@CantWaitToNap: Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd. Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
@SeriesCam: if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this