This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
my name if I was in the mob
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten