This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.