This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*