I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Canadian owl: Eh?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it