I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.