This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Why am I like this?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.